Finally, he [Brutus] spoke to Volumnius himself in Greek, reminding him of their student life, and begged him to grasp his sword with him and help him drive home the blow. And when Volumnius refused, and the rest likewise … grasping with both hands the hilt of his naked sword, he fell upon it and died.

I am exhausted and not just because I've been awake since 2am. I am emotionally drained after an agonizing week of coming to grips with the fact that I am to blame for a lot of my unhappiness. My tendency to fall on my sword when things do not go my way makes me a martyr in my own mind, habitually repeating the gesture strips the dignity out of the act.

Why do these things keep happening to me?

At some point in my life I stopped being myself and started being who I thought I should be. I was matching energy, chasing aspirations, overcompensating, etc. Either way, I've not been following my heart for most of my adult life. I do not remember a time when I haven't been reacting to a circumstance or unwanted anticipated change. I was cursed with the gift of pattern recognition and in my efforts to mitigate harm I often made things worse. It took me many years to admit that level of malleability wasnt 'being adaptive', It was cowardice. I always had an excuse for whatever fuck shit I did. I was always earnest in my apologia, but I wasn't brave enough to change my habits and actions. Wasnt brave enough to address my fears and deficiencies.